Clément is joined by Alexis Doss, a self-proclaimed “Tough Love Coach” who’s all about being real and genuine, even when it might not feel great! She helps women not give a F*CK about what others think and to work through the reasons that are holding them back from living the life they truly want. She specializes in business, nutrition and overall wellness coaching with women from all backgrounds and life-situations.
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[00:00:00] ClÃ©ment: What in a nutshell, like, what is it that you do? And, and, um, and what have you been focusing on for the last like year.
[00:00:09] Alexis: Yeah. I want to say one thing, sorry. If you can hear my bulldogs snoring, I try to put them out of the room, but he busted in here. So you might hear him, um, hopefully in the background though.
[00:00:20] So yeah, he is cute, but he’s, but he’s loud. Um, so in, in terms of what I do, so my coaching has evolved so much. Um, since I started, I used to be more so heavily involved in like nutrition and fitness and like, I still help people with that, but the, what I really do now, Um, is, it’s kind of like a mixture of like the simplest way to put it would be like mindset, but also like business coaching.
[00:00:45] Um, because I don’t like, you know, if somebody comes to me and they’re trying to like launch their coaching program, or they’re trying to start a YouTube channel, or they want to get better at social media, sometimes they come to me and they’re like, okay, tell me the logistics. How do I do it? And I’m like, we’re going to work on up here first because so many people are like hitting a wall with where they want to go and whatever their goals are.
[00:01:04] So. The guy that come to me and aren’t looking, you know, for, for business help or social media help. Um, and I want to help them. Uh, I talk about this on a lot on my Instagram, help them get past the band-aids of what’s holding them back and focus more on the root of what it is. So for example, if they’re struggling with perfectionism and all or nothing mindset where they have a fear of failure, again, whatever their goals might be like, let’s identify instead of, you know, if you’re really bad with organization or you procrastinate, let’s not buy you a planner and like color code.
[00:01:35] Your, you know, your desk, let’s figure out why you’re pressing dating in the first place. So, um, I kinda like to take people through the why they’re doing the things, identify it, work through that. I’m really big on getting people outside their comfort zone. Um, and then we can tackle the things that they want to do that they probably knew already how to do, but with a totally different set of glasses on because they have a different perspective on it.
[00:01:59] What they’re actually capable of, you know what I mean? So I hope we’re range of people, but I would say it’s a lot about like, what’s up here and what’s holding them back from reaching their goals, whatever those goals might be.
[00:02:11] ClÃ©ment: Okay. See. Cause I didn’t catch that so easily from, from, from just looking at your Instagram, which is probably a mistake that I made, but it’s interesting that you said, yeah.
[00:02:20] Alexis: Yeah. What, what, like, what’s like the, if you had to guess before I told you what I’m doing, like, what are you thinking
[00:02:27] ClÃ©ment: are very active. You’re very animated. You talk about, you know, health and wellness. So I was like, okay, we’re going to talk about predominantly like health and wellness. And I thought, and so, but now.
[00:02:39] This is really interesting and cool because I’m so into this as well. Um, I’m an, an overachiever I’ve struggled with that for my whole life. And so I am very familiar with that. Uh, even the toxic parts of it as well, which, um, I have to admit, I fell into for a large part of my life, but yeah, this is going to be a really interesting conversation, I think because I, uh, it is such an interesting, okay.
[00:03:04] Here’s what I want to say. Do you think that most people contact you looking for help? And then they realize, oh shit, this person really wants to go deep with me. And they’re like, and then they’re starting to get cold feet.
[00:03:17] Alexis: Yeah. So I mean, back to what you were saying before, I still do help people because I have my certification in holistic health coaching.
[00:03:22] So when I, you know, got my certification, they taught us a lot about like hula holistic nutrition, but not just nutrition, like. You know how to quit smoking, like how to have better products in your home that have a more holistic approach. So I still help people with that. Like when someone joins me, I have them fill out like a whole health history form.
[00:03:40] I want to know how their nutrition is, their sleep is, you know, uh, all of those things, you know, how they’re moving their body. Because I think that that even though we might work on business stuff, even though we might work on their goals and whatever their procrastination, how they’re treating their body is so important.
[00:03:54] So I still do talk about that, but a lot of times, When people do come to me. So like, you know, referring to the second part of what you were saying. Um, I do find that like a lot of what happens is people will come to me and they they’re see that I have a decent amount of Instagram followers or they see that I’ve been doing coaching for eight years.
[00:04:14] I, you know, I want that a lot of people come to my DMS and they’ll ask me, like, how do I get better with like my morning routine or my habits? Like so many people come to me about like the discipline, um, and like the consistency. Cause I, I guess I’ve just been really great with that. So that’s what they come to me for.
[00:04:28] And then, so they’re coming to me for those specific things. And so I don’t think they’re too thrown off in terms of like what we dive into, but they’re thrown off, like you said, about how deep we’re going. Cause they’re just like, oh, This is going to help me like stop procrastinating. And they think I’m just going to like, give them like this magical five-step process.
[00:04:46] That’s going to be like, this is how you do it. I think keeping a secret from everybody. And it’s like, that’s not the case. It’s like, oh, the reason I’ve been procrastinating is because I have a really hardcore fear of failure. My parents were so hard on me in school. And now I procrastinate because if I don’t do the thing, then I don’t have to face possibly.
[00:05:04] And they’re like, oh, so yeah. So I think they know. And I mean, depending on how much you look at my content, I do talk a lot about, um, like some of the deeper stuff, but I, I definitely think that they’re like, oh, this is not necessarily not what I expected, but they’re like, They realized that that’s actually what they needed to get to the root versus just like, you know, the bandaid on the
[00:05:26] ClÃ©ment: problem.
[00:05:27] So, yeah. And it kind of comes back to the saying that nothing good is easy, which I don’t agree with, but it’s a good way to explain these kinds of events. And, um, it certainly was like that for me, you know, I, I was always kind of surfing on the very ceiling of what it was that I actually had to tackle.
[00:05:47] Yeah to overcome my trauma and my addictions and things. And I just, yeah, I think people, people don’t fully grasp what is involved in overcoming, whatever it is, the, the negative or, uh, the behavioral traits that we build along. Uh, our lifetimes that don’t serve us. And there’s, I would say the cure is it has to be equal to the point.
[00:06:14] So, if you are in a, you know, strayed so far away from your track, whatever your track would be and whatever direction you want to take in life, the further you stray away, obviously the further you need to walk back to get there. So that, that is, um, it’s always interesting to, to experience that and say, oh, oh shit, I didn’t realize it was going to be this hard, but that’s.
[00:06:36] And this is probably something that Lincoln into another aspect of the content that you create, that I wondered to talk to you about. This is probably where, you know, you could start to talk about things like. Your ability to be present and mindful and self-aware, and I would say have some kind of capacity to deal with suffering and to accept it, you know?
[00:07:02] Cause cause that tr that journey back to center again. Is going to be full of suffering and full of challenges, and it’s not going to feel good at all. It’s going to feel terrible. Actually, the further you get away, the more terrible it’s going to feel. And, um, the faster you want to get back, the more intense it’s going to feel, because you’re gonna have to deal with all that shit in less time.
[00:07:24] For me. Uh, yeah. I, I had to learn somehow to embrace the suffering, embrace the pain and feel almost like David Goggins. You know, David Goggins says, yeah, he’s a, he’s a, he’s a cool guy, nutcase, but he’s just a cool nutcase. Um, because he lives for suffering. And if anyone’s listening to this, they don’t know who he is.
[00:07:44] You should check him out on Instagram and follow him. You’ll find some inspiration for sure. And, uh, yeah, people like David Goggins, we’re an Jocko Willink. And I’m talking about a lot of, kind of military people here, but then again, this is kind of curving back into the thing that I, I realized that you talk about, which is tough love.
[00:08:01] And I love that a really, really, really appreciate someone who goes out of their way to shine. A light on the deep, the thing that is tough love what is tough love to you?
[00:08:15] Alexis: Oh, so yeah, I was, uh, I definitely self-proclaimed, self-proclaimed tough love coach and I, and I think that people have to be ready to know that if they’re going to either want to work with me or follow my page, like that’s, you know what, I’m what I’m bringing to the table, but I always say I’m not going to be mean to you.
[00:08:31] I’m just going to tell you the things that like, you really don’t want to hear or. About why you’re not doing X, Y, and Z, like the BS story that you tell yourself, um, and it’s going to help you move forward. Not that I have all the answers at all, but working with someone like identifying, okay. Here’s why you’ve been struggling.
[00:08:52] Here’s what you need to do. And a lot of times, again, it goes back to, and whether people come to work with me or they’re just like, w what I see on a day-to-day basis, we live in a world where people want everything right now, we have apps on our phones. You can push a button and get whatever you want very quickly.
[00:09:09] You can get something shipped to your house, like same day, Amazon shipping, and, you know, get food delivered to your house and swipe to date someone. And people are just really impatient and they also don’t realize how simple getting through what they need to get through. Everybody’s obviously a little bit different, but for the most part, simplicity is key and everybody’s trying to overcomplicate what it takes to like.
[00:09:31] Build their business get past their fears, whatever it is. Yeah. No, I think
[00:09:35] ClÃ©ment: that that’s because they’re trying to procrastinate, right? That’s because they’re trying to delay the, uh, the suffering.
[00:09:42] Alexis: No, exactly. And, um, the, the tough love is essentially like remind and not like being mean to them or bullying them.
[00:09:50] It’s reminding like, You’re over-complicating this you’re procrastinating. No, you’re, you’re not this. You’re not that you’re just procrastinating. And the reason why you’re procrastinating is because again, there’s deeper rooted things that you’re not working through. You just want, I’ve talked, I’ve made a video on my Instagram a few weeks ago.
[00:10:06] I talked about like, you know, anybody that has like a goal, there’s like an end goal, and there’s a starting point. And in order to get through, and, you know, as you’re working, like you were talking about like through the not cute stuff and the messy, whatever it is that you’re working through, like you have to.
[00:10:21] Across a path of hot coals. And what most people are trying to do is they’re like doing everything they can and to not walk across those hot coals, cause it’s going to be hard and it’s not going to be easy and they’re not gonna want to do it. And they’re probably going to cry and they’re going to be upset, but they’re just doing everything they can to not walk across those hot coals.
[00:10:35] So they like go around the side, like trying to look for shortcuts and they always hit dead ends and they end up having to turn back around until they actually face that. Okay. In order to get to this end, right. I just got a, again, the simplicity, but hard walking across those hot coals. And so I, what, in terms of like the tough love, I just liked to help people realize that I’m not trying to, you know, teach you something ridiculously crazy.
[00:10:59] It’s a secret pill. It’s just holding you accountable to the stuff that you know you should be doing, but you’re not doing so. Um,
[00:11:07] ClÃ©ment: and that’s why we need a coach, right? That’s why even people who are kind of where they want to be in life, but they know that they there’s something else out there. Maybe even need a coach too.
[00:11:16] Right? All of the high performers have coaches, all the people that we look at that we admire probably have coaches. So this is not, uh, exclusively for people who aren’t already, where they want to be. In fact, it’s probably more. For people who are already where they want to be, but they know that there’s something else out there that they want to experience and achieve.
[00:11:35] Alexis: You never want to be the smartest person in the room. Like I’ve my entire career working for myself. I have always had a coach, a mentor than working with someone in some capacity because there’s always going to be somebody. And it’s not even about working with someone that has like, oh, so much more knowledge than you.
[00:11:52] Of course. That’s great. Um, you know, if you’re working with a business coach and really trying to launch something that. You know, you don’t have the information for, but the thing I love so much about it. You know what I do for people and what my coaches and mentors have done for me is that they’re just there to like give you perspective on the ways that you’re just inside your head.
[00:12:11] You know what I mean? Again, going back to like, I know that most of the people I work with know exactly what they need to do. They just need somebody to offer them a little bit of a different perspective. It’s it’s, it’s the ego that makes us think that, like, I just have to figure it out on my own. I gotta be alone.
[00:12:27] Or if I get help, that means it wasn’t good enough. It was like, no, like you said, the highest performers, the most successful people always have someone to give them perspective to get them out of their own head. And sometimes it’s just about somebody asking you the right questions. Never even thought about that and then it can get you to the next step.
[00:12:46] So I agree.
[00:12:47] ClÃ©ment: Um, opening up about your deepest challenges is so difficult for most people and I have resistance to it even today. Uh, and the funny thing is. I think one, we’ll always put ourselves on a pedestal and make ourselves more interesting than we actually are to people. You know? I mean, we’re not that interesting.
[00:13:16] It, you could look at it from the perspective of someone who has a social anxiety problem. They are overthinking things. They believe that. Everyone in the room is focusing on them and that they’re the center of attention. It’s wrong. It’s, um, it’s an illusion, it’s a delusion. And it’s the same with this kind of, if I tell someone, you know, what’s what I’m struggling with.
[00:13:36] If I say that I’m, you know, I’m having trouble making money, or if I’m having trouble with any part of my life that I could feel ashamed about, they’re going to, you know, look down on me. They’re gonna, uh, ostracized me from, from society. Right. I mean, that’s the, the true fear is like being injected from your friends.
[00:13:53] Yeah, and it’s not true. And the more that we’re able to do it, I think two things happen. The first thing is we get instant feedback that it’s okay. And actually everybody who is in that group is going through their own shit. Some people more than you. And then the second thing that happens is it just, it’s like a muscle.
[00:14:12] Like it becomes stronger. You become more of the vulnerability, becomes more of a skill and you are able to access. More often and more easily. Yeah. You know, it’s like Jason Wilson, if you don’t know who he is, Jason Wilson is a martial arts instructor, but he’s more than that. He’s um, as a teacher to children and he is a messenger from God in his words that, uh, really helps to make young boys.
[00:14:45] Uh, understand the value of vulnerability at the right times in the right way, controlled aggressiveness controlled outbursts and not to hold things in. And he’s the kind of person that understands this perfectly. Like he is all about vulnerability, wrote a book called cry, like a man. And it’s a great book.
[00:15:07] Uh, Lewis house wrote a similar book called the mask of masculinity. Yeah. And, uh, and he, he’s also another guy that went through a ton of shit when he was younger. He actually, my first client and I brought this up before on the episode, but he’s a really nice guy. We used to do our accountability sessions together and he’s just, you know, The F right.
[00:15:30] I’m off on a tangent here. Sorry. I’m just going to keep going. I’ve hijacked my show. So the, um, what do you think about this? Do you think that the highest achievers, the ones of us that are the most productive, the ones of us that get the most popularity and, uh, you know, um, airtime and limelight, do you think that those of us have gone through the most trauma.
[00:15:59] Alexis: I would say, because some of my favorite quotes, like one of them is like the master has failed more times than the student has ever tried. Um, or like, uh, there’s another one. I can’t, I can’t pull off the top of my brain, but so much of the adversity like makes people who they are. Um, and it, because it, it, again, it gives you perspective.
[00:16:21] You’re able to. Pull yourself out of where you are, and then essentially like teach, inspire whatever to other people. And if you and everybody has adversity, but like I, so many times people hold themselves back because they think that because of their adversity, that’s the reason why they can’t. And again, there’s a lot of different cultural things and, and whatnot.
[00:16:44] So I don’t want to like, you know, poopoo that, but there is a lot of adversity that people will just use as the excuse as to why. They can’t move forward. And then there’s people that use it and say that this is the reason why, like any like video you see on social media speaker, entrepreneur, like when you hear their story, like, they’re never like, you know what.
[00:17:06] I just showed up, you know, like there’s always a story behind it. So I, I personally don’t know of anyone, especially that I look up to that doesn’t have some kind of like massive amount of adversity that they had to go through.
[00:17:17] ClÃ©ment: sure. Yeah. And you’re talking about the real teachers, the ones who really genuinely want to help people who really genuinely have succeeded in, you know, achieving their goals and becoming a vision of themselves.
[00:17:30] Because I can think of many people that I’ve seen along the way. We’ll say things like it just happened one night. Like the, the traction, you know, I’ve got nothing against law of attraction. And I do believe in manifesting what we desire through, you know, constant repetition of our goals of who we want to be with the kind of values we want to have of the kind of things we want to experience in life.
[00:17:57] I think the constant repetition of. Whether it’s in the form of an, of an ER, a mantra or some kind of, you know, um, statement that you read every morning. I mean, they’re powerful stuff. Um, but law of attraction, and I’m sure you also agree with this is not just about waiting for things and believing it’s going to happen.
[00:18:18] I mean, The odds are it’s going to happen to someone, but it’s very low. I mean, you know, you could, you could hope to win the lottery one day. Um, uh, and it will happen to somebody one. Um, but, but what I’m saying is there’s a lot of people out there there’s a lot of noise that kind of stops a lot of us from actually getting to the truth, which is, it takes a lot of hard work.
[00:18:40] You know, it takes a lot of effort and again, tough love. Is just, just such, such a powerful topic that I’m passionate about it because it works and people feel so offended right now by the audacity of someone to say that, oh, you have responsibility. Oh, it’s your, it’s in your court, the ball isn’t over there with someone else.
[00:19:08] And you’re just waiting for them to, you know, throw it in the, in the, in the loop. It’s in your court. You’re the one who’s responsible for it. And, and it, and it really pisses me off when people get upset with that, because I want to help them. And I’m like, Hey, I’m going through this, this person’s going through this.
[00:19:24] You know, you need people in your life that are going to be able to fight you for you. I made a post the other day. It was like, I was talking about my addiction when I ha I was an alcoholic, you know, up until about a year ago, even less than a year ago now I think, but I. I used to, I used to, you know, drink myself to death and the people around me, my friends, my closest friends, and my family were the ones who were willing to fight me for me.
[00:19:55] And I couldn’t see it at the time. I thought they were real decks and didn’t understand they were being nasty and mean. But in the retrospect, you know, kind of like, well, every one of them had a point. So this was again, like coming back to you, just gotta be self-aware to the point. And it takes time to get self-aware.
[00:20:12] It takes courage and ambition, but if you become self-aware, you don’t have to attach yourself too much to the emotions that come up when they come up, you know, it’s like those emotions are there. They’re malfunctioning. They’re trying to try to keep you somewhere. That’s comforting. But it comfort. Isn’t the goal, you know, it’s, it’s personal growth.
[00:20:35] I dunno. What do you, what do you think
[00:20:37] Alexis: about that? No, I, I agree wholeheartedly, especially like with the tough love. And I think that not that I’m putting myself in a box or limiting myself, but I think that’s why. So I’m confident in myself taking a while to get there, but I’m confident in myself and my abilities.
[00:20:51] And I know that like what I offer with my business and with my social media works. But I think that I will never be that kind of social media account that has like a million followers simply because people don’t like the tough love, like, because that’s how I’m coming off. Like you said, people get pissed off.
[00:21:08] Like when I say things like, no, one’s coming to save you. Like you have to save yourself, like the pity party, the victim mentality. Like that was me. I, you know, eight, nine years ago, it was literally like homeless living in LA in my car. Um, and like was just constantly like, obviously I was going through hard shit.
[00:21:24] Like it was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was dealing with two eating disorders. I had been diagnosed with, with, um, something that like changed my life and like all these different things, but I wasn’t doing, I was spending all my energy. Like kind of in the corner, like, Hey guys, look at me, I’m sad.
[00:21:41] We made, we feel bad for me. You know what I mean? And like, even if people were like, you know, pat me on the head, like your life is hard, that literally wasn’t going to help me at all. So yes, your, your life can be hard. Yes. You can be going through adversity. You can be going through things that like somebody else or is super rare and then nobody else goes.
[00:21:57] But that doesn’t change the fact that you can still be the one to take the steps you need to, to like get out of where you are. And again, everybody’s situation is so different, but like, to me, the way I think about it, you know, there’s always somebody that has the same story as you. That got out of where they are.
[00:22:15] And that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person because you’re still struggling in it. But the whole point is just to admit the, you can figure out the change, you know what I mean? And you were talking about like, you know, the, you said something about like, you know, the emotions and people just kind of like being like sad or whatever.
[00:22:33] Um, and I, uh, have you ever heard of the book called the gene?
[00:22:38] ClÃ©ment: Uh, no, I mean, I think I might have, but I’ve not read it.
[00:22:41] Alexis: It’s like a pretty popular book, but I don’t, I think people, that’s a lot of like one of those books where people like I’ve heard of it and I’ve heard of it for forever and just haven’t read it and recently started it.
[00:22:51] Um, and it’s like a little bit of a mixture of like the Wu law of attraction, manifestation type things. But a lot of it is more like science-based, um, Um, like your DNA and like the 64 gene keys and, and, and essentially what’s specific to you, but the point I’m trying to make is in the book, they talk about how, like, you know, if you take two people in one wakes up sad and depressed, um, and again, they just have that victim mentality and their pity party, and they just cry and they complain all day long.
[00:23:20] Your body speaks to your genes. And so when you do that, just like when you eat, you know, what you eat becomes you, same thing. Speaking to yourself in a certain way, what happens is your body speaks to which genes and it turns off a hormonal response. Um, so you just continue to feel sad. It kind of just feeds into those emotions, but if you wake up sad and depressed and you do your best, even if you don’t feel like it to make yourself laugh, put on your favorite, like song dance around, get some sunshine, your body will speak to its genes and it will actually.
[00:23:48] On a hormonal response that will make you feel better. So it’s not just about like, you know, oh, well, this is just how, you know, how I, uh, how it is. And I’m always going to be this way. It’s an art. You can actually speak to your genes and your body and it will physically change what’s going on. It’s not just like, I feel I am better and I feel better.
[00:24:07] And it’s just a mental, like woo thing. It’s like, no, there’s actually something going on in our bodies that help. Move towards the more positive space, you know? Hmm.
[00:24:17] ClÃ©ment: When you were going through what you described earlier, which is you were a little more timid and you didn’t really, we weren’t confident where you wanted to go.
[00:24:26] When you got on this track of developing your, you know, uh, your mind and your emotions, what kept you and what keeps you on track to get, you know, where you want to go? What, where are you going?
[00:24:42] Alexis: Um, I think it’s just the constant constantly working on myself. Um, I, I, for the longest time was so against like personal development and self-help books.
[00:24:53] I was like, there’s, that’s, that’s so silly. Like that’s such a, like a nineties, like go to the library and like pick out a book and. Self-help kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. Like it just seems cheesy to me, but yeah, again, just like the pity party victim mentality, I was trying to like be the smartest person in the room.
[00:25:13] Like I don’t need a book to tell me to be positive or to do this. Like I already know, I need to, I just need to do it. And so for me, one of the things that started me on this journey and has continued. To help me grow is constant personal development. I’m always reading something, listening to something.
[00:25:29] I will do that for the rest of my life. It’s changed my life. Because again, back to perspective, you know, these, these books just help you give a perspective on whatever it is that you’re struggling with. And that to me has helped me stay on essentially the path of, of growing feeling. Good. What if I miss a couple of days or I go on vacation and I wasn’t making reading a priority, I can always feel it.
[00:25:53] Like things will bother me more. I’ll be more effected by it. So that’s really the number one thing. And then big, big motivating factors knowing. How, um, like crappy, I felt in the life that feels like another life before and never, ever wanting to be stuck in that place. You had said something earlier. Um, and I, I wrote it down because it, it reminded me of something that.
[00:26:18] And I guess another thing that I use to motivate myself, but also my clients is that you’re always going through something hard. Um, so you have to choose your heart. So, you know, people will be afraid to start a business because they’re like, well, that’s hard. Or if I get on social media, there’s a chance that, you know, there’s going to be haters or whatever it is that they’re afraid of.
[00:26:33] And so they don’t do that thing because that’s hard. But isn’t living paycheck to paycheck hard. Isn’t he? Where you are hard. Um, you know what I do now? Like there’s lots of things that are really hard, but so is living in my car. You know what I mean? So I, I’d rather, I’m always going to choose this hard over the hard before, because it’s more freedom.
[00:26:54] So, so there’s like a lot of, you know, I’m, I’m really big on meditation. Affirmations. Um, I also agree with the fact that like, you can’t just sit and just like manifest something, you have to work in accordance with the universe and everything that’s going on. It’s not like you just sit there and you’re like, I have a million dollars, then it shows up in your bank account.
[00:27:11] You have to work with the process. You know what I mean? Um, so yes,
[00:27:17] ClÃ©ment: we can talk about that for a second. Cause that this is a kind of an interesting aspect of our conversation is working with the universe. And to me. I’ll just give you, you know, my riff on that working with the universe was to me is all about recognizing that I have to surrender right at the same time as pushing myself to get to where I want to go.
[00:27:46] Now that’s an interesting dilemma. It’s like a, it’s like a dichotomy. It’s like you you’re surrendering, but you’re also. Ambitious. And you’re also trying to accomplish things. And I mean, there’s a few spiritual teachers that talk about surrender. I’m thinking of one specifically right now at carte Tala, which everyone probably already knows.
[00:28:10] Cause he’s so popular now, but his book, the power of now is an incredible book. It’s so impressive and its simplicity and its application. Okay. Really literally saying one thing throughout the entire book, but he, he writes hundreds of pages to get his point across because it’s so simple. It’s hard to conceptualize.
[00:28:32] And, um, when I, when I really truly noticed all the things that I was resisting, and I’m trying to think of the thing, things, examples that I can give you, but probably one of the best ones would be. Um, you know, yeah. Resisting the, the failure that I could experience from actually going and doing something I’ve never done before.
[00:29:00] Um, when you surrender to the outcome, suddenly that journey, uh, part of the journey unblocks itself, you can go more directly to your end point, but when the resistance. Something that is along that line, along that journey, along that road, you’re not, you’re going to hit that block on, you’re going to have to find another road.
[00:29:25] You’re gonna have to find another fork. It’s going to take effort time, and it might not be as fun. To get to where you want to go. And I think that’s what surrender means for me. It’s like, just let it happen. And then if you get pushed slightly this way or pushed slightly that way, it’s totally okay. But as long as your intentions are pure, and as long as you’re clear on where you want to go, you probably gonna end up there much, sooner, much faster.
[00:29:51] Alexis: Yeah. I mean, one of my favorite quotes is, uh, obstacles are just detours in the right direction. Or, uh, there’s another one that’s like, um, rejection is just redirection. Uh, and I think if you can embrace that idea, it, it, um, I, one of the big things I actually have mastermind on it once a year is called, oh, am I allowed to curse on this?
[00:30:13] Yeah. Okay, cool. I just wanted to make sure I was like watching, watching my language cause he’s like, well, but so I have a mask. I
[00:30:18] ClÃ©ment: should write that in the description. You can swear and curse. Everyone asks
[00:30:23] Alexis: it. Yes. So I have a mastermind once a year. That’s called fuck the fear of failure. Um, and I talk about how like failures only thing, if you let it be a thing.
[00:30:31] And so it in, in, you know what I was just talking about, like tying that in and yeah. Again, rejection obstacles, roadblocks. Like if you take away the idea that failure means that it’s a bad thing or that you failed and you just make it a thing that didn’t work like Thomas Edison, when he was creating the light bulbs that I didn’t fail.
[00:30:51] I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work. You take away the power of failure. I don’t feel like I can fail. It doesn’t matter what I do. If it doesn’t work. I’ll just figure out something else. You know what I mean? Like give up if for some reason I went bankrupt, like I’ll figure it out, you know? And I don’t think that would ever happen.
[00:31:07] Hopefully not, but like, I’ll figure it out. It will be hard and I’m not going to have like the toxic positivity where you know, this is great, but it’s like, it’s, doesn’t have to be this big, scary thing. It’s just a redirection. You know what you’re supposed to do. And like you were saying, like when you surrender, um, I think that’s one of the hardest things for people to do.
[00:31:27] I like, I still struggle with it from time to time because I’m a control freak for sure. Um, but it’s true. Once you surrender, you know, to the outcome or the stranglehold you have on the, what the path is supposed to look like, or the timeline. You actually end up reaching what you want a lot faster, because again, sometimes you need to hit a roadblock or an obstacle to be redirected.
[00:31:52] And the more you keep trying to bang on the same door, it’s like, Hey, the thing that you want, or the thing that’s meant for you is over here until you stop trying to bang on this door over here. Like you’ll get there, but like how about we turn around and like go somewhere else, but people have this stranglehold of what it’s supposed to look like and know this is what I want, and this is what it needs to be.
[00:32:12] It’s like, you know, when people talk about how, when you don’t get a job, um, and your dream job, it’s like, there’s probably a reason why, like, you didn’t get that job because there’s gonna be another job that’s meant for you. You know? So I, I definitely agree.
[00:32:24] ClÃ©ment: Mm. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. It’s probably, like you said, the most important.
[00:32:32] Thing you could gift yourself with is the ability to be vulnerable. It’s, it’s working wonders for me since I started doing, you know, doing it more. Um, and it’s, like I said, it’s like a muscle and I’m just thinking of the people listening to this who might be looking for help. And in this area, it really is a muscle that you have to exercise regularly.
[00:32:54] I write in diaries every day. I mean, you know, it’s important to me, but it’s not essential. You know, these daily routines are, can help a lot. I’m not necessarily the biggest proponent of, or a fan of writing in diaries. I don’t do it because I don’t, I don’t feel like it. Sometimes I feel like it’s just getting in the way of me doing what I need to do.
[00:33:17] Um, but. For the most part, when I do write in the diary, the kind of diaries that I use, they ask specific questions and it’s designed to bring out the very best person, the very best parts of you so that you can. Grow these muscles over time. And you know, there’ll be designed questions designed to, to bring out your vulnerability.
[00:33:41] There’ll be questions designed to strengthen your community. Like who are you going to reach out to today to wish well or gift, or just say something, do something nice for, and so, yeah. Uh, it’s a daily thing. It’s a, it’s a sharpening, the saw getting back to our eighties slash nineties, personal development era.
[00:34:01] The good old Stephen Covey, seven habits of highly effective people. It’s like sharpening the saw, which is the seventh habit. You do all these things, but if you don’t keep doing it frequently, you’re never going to get really good at them. It’s just like anything else?
[00:34:15] Alexis: Yeah. Oh my gosh. Pay people are not patient.
[00:34:17] I, I said, I’ve, I’ve made so many like reels and Instagram or IGT. These that talk about, Hey, that you you’re, you’re frustrated because you’re not getting where you want. And most likely it’s not because you’re not capable. It’s just because you haven’t done it long enough. Whether it’s meditation and it’s always like, I, I, you know, I’ve been trying meditation and I’m just not good at it.
[00:34:37] I’m like, well, how long did you consistently, like how long did you do it and how often did you do it? I’m like, I did it like a few times a week. Okay. For how long? They’re like, you know, like a month, why would you want to calm your monkey mind? Doing something for a month, you know, uh, Gary Vaynerchuk with his, with his social media, it’s like blown up.
[00:34:54] Now, everybody knows who he is. He posted a, a thousand episodes of wine library, TV on YouTube before anybody gave a shit about who he was and, and have people who were like, I’m afraid to get on Instagram. Why? Because what if nobody gets on. Who do you, how are you going to build a following if you don’t get on?
[00:35:09] You know what I mean? So it’s like showing up continuously and taking out the timeline and being patient. Because if you continue to show up, you show up like all of that, you’re going to. So much further because the time’s going to pass anyway, but I think people just need practice patients more
[00:35:26] ClÃ©ment: and just consistency.
[00:35:27] Patience. Yeah. You’ve talked about that, right? I mean, that’s, that’s worked for you. It’s working for me to just keep going. And I was outside working out. In the, uh, in the, in the garden, uh, because I can’t get to the gym at the moment, which is unfortunate, but that’ll change. And, uh, I was working out in the garden.
[00:35:44] Don’t like it, I like to be somewhere to work out like a gym, like people working out around me. So I feel like I’m part of something, but it was hard and it, and it’s, it’s a struggle. I didn’t want to do it, but, but, but when you, when you force yourself through. When you force yourself through it, you feel satisfied.
[00:36:05] Like you have this, this pride, you know, kind of surface and you know, it reminds you that you can do things that are difficult. So if you’re struggling with keeping up the routine, um, it’s okay to fall off. As long as you remember to, um, Push yourself through the suffering to get back on. I mean, self-awareness is the, the thought that it pops in your mind?
[00:36:34] Oh shit. I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing right now. I shouldn’t be, you know, watching Instagram videos. I should be doing that email with the proposal I was supposed to send out. And it’s that self-awareness that. Clicks in and activates that. Okay, well, I’m going to close Instagram right now and I’m going to get back to the email because without that, self-awareness, you’re just going to feel shit.
[00:36:56] And then like an hour later, you’ll be like, oh my God, oh God, what have I just done? You know, speaking of which, what are the top things that women come to you for? I know it’s women you work with exclusively. What are the top challenges that women have when they come to you?
[00:37:12] Alexis: Um, I would say. Especially this year.
[00:37:16] Um, I think the pandemic, I mean, not that these people weren’t struggling with it before, but I think the pandemic affects a lot of people. Um, the procrastination consistency is a big one, but again, I find out that the root thing, so they’re not necessarily coming to me because of the fear of failure or even the fear of success, which I think a lot of people have, but they don’t realize, you know, the fear.
[00:37:37] I already, can’t juggle what’s going on in my life. I want to start this side hustle or this business. If I have success, how in the world am I not going to lose my mind? Um, and so I think that like the all or nothing mindset is huge. It’s something I talk about a lot on my page. So all or nothing, mindset, perfectionism, um, you know, the we’ll we’ll get into what it is they want to work on again with whatever their goals are.
[00:38:00] But typically the thing that’s holding them back because everybody’s very capable. It’s just that. Um, and with all of these, so much of it, the fear of failure, fear of success, not so much, but fear of failure, all or nothing, mindset, you know, not doing X, Y, and Z. I find that the overarching reason, and I think this is something that, um, is a reason why people like following me on social media, um, They care so much about what people think.
[00:38:27] And I like, I, I talk about it so much in terms of like being authentic and being you and, and not giving a shit about what people think about you is always going to get you so much further. You’re going to always attract to your person, your ideal client. Um, and so I think that these, the, again, even further down to the true root is if people.
[00:38:48] Simply worked on not giving a shit about what people thought about them. And you can still care about people, but not letting like you were talking about in the very beginning. Right? Nobody cares what you’re doing. Like Mo we are so worried about our own cells. Human beings are selfish creatures. Like we were just born that way and we’re worried about our stuff.
[00:39:09] And so if you re, if you golf yourself with the idea that truly no one really cares. And if they do, they probably only care for five minutes and it doesn’t even matter if they do anyway. That would be great. So I would say some of those things, but definitely like that underlying, like, Alexa, how do I, how do I get, like, you would not care what people think and it’s kind of identifying that, so,
[00:39:31] ClÃ©ment: mm.
[00:39:32] Yeah. And just to add to that, you know, can you imagine if it’s not sustainable? Trying to create content and do things that you think other people will appreciate is not sustainable because you can’t know, it’s always changing and it’s not you like, you’re not going to be passionate about that. There’s no way you’re going to do it out of fear.
[00:39:53] And when you do it out of fear, it’s going to create it. Awful negative emotions and awkwardness and you know, disappointment, and you’re just feeding the wrong, the wrong thing. You’re feeding a monster and, uh, yeah, like create something, do something that is in line with what you genuinely gravitate towards.
[00:40:11] And it can take time to figure that out, to peel back the onion that you have grown over, who you really are. There’s an onion of layers of skin of just. These false beliefs of who you should be and what you should be doing and who should be accepting you in society. So peel those layers back, see who you really are, and then do the things that align with you as an individual.
[00:40:39] And what makes you unique? And it took me a long time to figure that out. I chased money, my whole. I chased success my whole life. I just, you know, the word success, it wasn’t even tangible. It was just, oh, I want to be successful. All right, let’s go and be successful. And I just saw, I would copy people. I would, uh, I would do whatever the fad was, whatever the trend was at the time like Amazon, you know, Drop shipping.
[00:41:05] Oh, great. I’m going to get into that. Let’s go and pollute the world with even more Chinese plastic, right? So it was, it wasn’t yeah. Ever coming from a place of passionate. And that’s when this podcast started, the podcast began, began when I realized I’d peed, peeled back enough layers that I realized, holy shit, I am really not where I wanted to be.
[00:41:26] Let’s rethink this. And then I launched that, but you know, What is the, um, what is the all or nothing mindset? Because I don’t think I even know that. And I think I have it already. Yeah.
[00:41:43] Alexis: I most people, I mean, I’m not saying everybody, but. A lot of people struggle with the all or nothing mindset. Sometimes they know they are.
[00:41:51] And, and, and some, you know, don’t think that they are, then they realize they are whatever. Um, but the all or nothing mindset just says if I can’t and a lot of it is rooted in perfectionism, but it’s like, I either do all. And only one thing doesn’t work, but either do all because if I can’t do it all, then it doesn’t feel like it’s good enough.
[00:42:11] You know, having a to-do list, I get my clients to do this all the time. They come to me and they have like a to-do list of like, you know, 45 things a day. And I’m like, you’re only allowed to have three things on your to-do list a day and they feel like that’s not enough. And I’m like, well, when has putting 30 things on your to-do list, have you ever gotten all those things done?
[00:42:27] And it’s like, no, they think that if they put it all on there, then that means they’re, you know, their, their worth is determined. By their productivity. And so they either do all, and then that doesn’t work because they burn themselves out or they don’t do, they don’t do anything because again, it goes back to, well, if I can’t do all of these things today, then I might as well not do any of them because a little bit is not enough.
[00:42:49] And so then they don’t do anything. And so it’s just this idea with like, you know, you launching a website, like I, I have to split. You know this entire day finishing it because it, for some reason that’ll work better than saying I’m going to dedicate 30 minutes over the next three weeks to get it done because, you know, then the idea, and again, I get my clients to do this.
[00:43:10] I, I work with people that struggle with, um, like I tell them to practice by doing like a puzzle. Um, so I’m like start a puzzle in your house. Um, and only do it for 30 minutes a night, put a timer on because what do you want to do? You’re like, I gotta finish this puzzle tonight. I got to do as much of it as I can.
[00:43:24] It’s like, no. Yeah. No, you don’t flex the muscle. It’s okay to just do it. And then like my one client’s like, I hate doing this puzzle every night. She’s like, but I’m practicing it. And I know what’s going on. Like you’re flexing your muscles. So yeah, it’s just this idea that like simply put a little bit is not enough and I need to do all because my worth is determined by my productivity.
[00:43:44] ClÃ©ment: Nice. That’s a great, that’s a great strategy. It’s addressing perfectionism at its core. Yeah. I, I can see how I would have had a problem with that, like a year or two ago. Um, but, but, but yeah, that’s one of the things you need to do is you need to realize you’re never going to get everything done and you have to be very strategic about, you know, the, the promises you make to yourself, not just to other people, but to yourself.
[00:44:08] Mostly actually I think, I think making promises that you break to yourself really. In motion, the, the belief that you, you’re not capable of actually doing things that you want to yeah. Kind of disempowering thing.
[00:44:24] Alexis: Yeah. And that reminds me of something. Uh, one of my favorite books, I don’t know if you’ve read it, but at atomic habits, by James clear,
[00:44:30] ClÃ©ment: he’s going to bring it up.
[00:44:31] I was going to bring it up.
[00:44:33] Alexis: Well, look like I use, uh, I, I just love that book so much. I have severe ADHD and I’ve read a million books on productivity. By far, just something that like in the first five pages of the book, it’s so tangible, you can start practicing it right away. But something I love that he talks about in the book is you’re always voting to be a certain kind of person you’re, they’re voting to be this kind of person or that kind of person with the things that you do.
[00:44:54] And so every time, and for most people, it’s easier to break a promise to yourself than it is to someone else because. When it’s just, you, it’s like no one can see, but every time you break a promise to yourself, if you’ve been doing that for awhile, you’ve been voting to be the kind of person that just breaks promises to themselves.
[00:45:10] And so when I teach my clients and they’re like, well, how do I stop? I’m like you just, instead of focusing on a 30 day plan, focus on just today or tomorrow of breaking up, the monotony of what’s been going on, what’s been going on, you’ve been voting to be the kind of person that just doesn’t make it a non-negotiable to not break promises to you.
[00:45:28] And so you just need one day instead of a 30 day plan. Cause it’s all or nothing. Like I gotta plan this whole thing just, just today, keep a promise to yourself. And then that’s a vote to be the kind of person that says I don’t break promises to myself and then do it again and do it again. And the more votes you have in that category, you will start to become that person.
[00:45:46] So yeah, I absolutely loved that book. So much of everything he talks about it and it’s so
[00:45:50] ClÃ©ment: good. It’s a great book. I love James clear. He is a great guy. And the, the, the, the, the thing about, about it is that you mentioned is it’s very actionable. So if anybody wants to have an instant help on. Overcoming bad habits and building better habits.
[00:46:10] That book’s really great. I think if I’ll be honest, I think it’s slightly better than the high-performance habits, which Brendan Burchard wrote and I’ve read, I’ve got both of them and I like Brendon Burchard as well. And I use one of his diaries every day just to kind of structure my day. Yeah. But, uh, oh God, atomic habits is a great book.
[00:46:33] You know, it’s, uh, I actually schedule time to procrastinate or when I remember I scheduled time to procrastinate, like, I’ll be very mindful about when I’m not going to work because I’m the kind of person that, um, I don’t take breaks if I don’t schedule it, I’m not going to take a break. I’ll procrastinate, but that’s not a break.
[00:46:55] That’s like, I’m just still working, but I’m not. And, uh, yeah, I think if, if, if, if, if people are anything like me, you need to, you need to put that consciously into the diary and stick to it because you’re going to burn yourself out and you’re going to feel terrible. I mean, I can’t go on vacation for more than three days.
[00:47:18] I start to lose my mind. Um, and you might think that that’s. A little bit obsessive and I think it is, it’s just the way I am. It’s just the way that I’m kind of geared, but, but, but, but you got to run with who you are, right. You’re got to run with your unique makeup. And I recognize that if the, I shouldn’t force myself to be on vacation for a week, I should just take what I need and then get back to it.
[00:47:41] Uh, so again, self-awareness is just a really key, I think we’re both hammering these different, you know, it’s like tough love. Self-awareness tough love self-awareness and I think these are really good messages to be giving the piece. You mentioned earlier that you don’t think you’ll ever have a million followers and I, I, I disagree with you.
[00:47:57] Yeah, I really do. If you think of, uh, David Goggins, who we talked about earlier, That’s all he talks about and he’s got millions of followers. Yeah. He goes on the runs and everything, and he’s like swears all the time, but it’s, it’s, there’s an audience out there that need to hear this. And when they hear it, they’re like, yes, this is what I needed.
[00:48:18] Yes. Um, they’re ready. Do you believe the student is, uh, appears when the teacher appears, when the student is.
[00:48:25] Alexis: Definitely. I will say, like not to get, uh, I don’t even know what the word would be, but like, I I’m all about like, you know, female empowerment and whatever. I think that sometimes it is harder for people to hear tough love from a woman than it is a man.
[00:48:40] Not that, I mean, I still, I could grow my, you know, I plan on changing the world. Like I have big dreams and goals and I’ve made insane strides this year alone. Which just remind me that, of how capable I am. But I think that that, you know, is a, is a piece of it. Um, just like if a man is like, you know, Bad-ass like, oh, he’s a boss, but if a woman does it like, oh, she’s such a bitch.
[00:49:01] Um, back to you were saying about the, that is so funny. I’m listening to limitless by Jim Kwik right now. And they just talked about the, you know, the, when, when the student is ready, the master appears. I definitely believe that I’ve seen them so many times in my life, especially even this year, I worked with my first real business coach, uh, was so scary, like investing that kind of money, but like I doubled my income two months after working with her and I’ve been leaving for someone.
[00:49:28] And it’s kind of like, it was like, I saw something on my Instagram story and I was like, finally ready for it. So I agree with that wholeheartedly.
[00:49:36] ClÃ©ment: Right. Yeah. And, uh, you know, you just have to put the message out every day. I mean, it’s just like pumping out that, keep going, keep going. And then one. That person it’s like a lead funnel.
[00:49:49] Right? I don’t want people listening to this, know about this stuff, but as like a customer funnel, no one’s going to buy at the beginning. They have to go through this process of warming themselves up to the idea of buying from you. And it’s not one. Thing that they’re going to look at. It’s like 50 or a hundred things that you need to show them before they’re ready to make that decision.
[00:50:10] And I think it’s the same for people like you and I who go out and create these kinds of content. You know, it’s not, everyone’s going to like it. People are going to hate us. I go to Gary Vaynerchuks posts sometimes. And you know, he’s mentioned this before, too. He’s like, if I, I think you, you actually said this earlier, like, If, if I, if I was just nicer, I’d have, uh, doubled the size of my audience.
[00:50:29] Right. Cause he’s always tough love that, dude. He’s always like, you are responsible for everything in your life, but, but it is what it is. And um, but there’ll be people in the comments there’ll be like saying things like Gary. I used to hate your fucking guts. And now I really love you.
[00:50:50] Alexis: Some girl messaged me just like a month ago. And she was like, I had to stop following you because the tough love at the time, like I couldn’t handle it. And she was like, now I’m ready for it. And I’m excited for it. And I was like, I’m I I’m happy either way, like do thing, you know,
[00:51:04] ClÃ©ment: Mm. Yeah. Well, um, I’m happy that you’re doing it.
[00:51:07] You’re definitely making a difference. I want to ask you what, uh, kind of programs are you running right now and how are you helping women specifically like structure.
[00:51:20] Alexis: Yeah. So, um, because I’m getting married soon, I’m not currently taking any more clients. Um, well I do have 90 minutes. Thanks. Um, so I do a two month life direction coaching program.
[00:51:35] So, um, that’s like the main way that I, you know, help people. I also do a 90 minute session and then I occasionally hold masterminds, which I don’t hold them all the time. So if you follow me and you see it, you want to hop on it because I literally only ran one this year. But like by two months, like direction coaching program, we meet on zoom once a week.
[00:51:53] Uh, and we, you know, we, we dig into all the stuff, even though there’s like a specific cadence and rhythm to my program, it’s still very much dictated by, uh, you know, what the person wants to work on, but there are specific questions and I’m going to ask everybody, cause again, like you said, in the beginning, like they come to me wanting one thing and then they realize like, oh, I didn’t know I had to work on that, but I I’ve never had anybody like.
[00:52:16] Fight against it. They realize that like this, cause that’s, you know, say it in my bio, like I helped you women identify and remove what’s blocking them, you know, towards what, what are, you know, going towards their goals. Uh, and so, you know, we, we, we meet, we chat. I also give my clients access. Side of the calls.
[00:52:34] Cause we’re going to do a lot of work on the calls, but like whether they need to vent that day, they need help with social media there, whatever it is that they’re going through. Like there’s some clients I talk to like every single day and some that I, you know, I only talked to when we do the calls. Um, but, uh, but again, it’s going back to like what I shared about in the beginning, like help, I created something called the ICB roadmap, so it’s identify confront breakthrough.
[00:52:55] So the first part of the program were identified. Why are you procrastinating? Why do you struggle with perfectionism? Why do you have an all or nothing mindset? Um, the second piece is confront where I’m really big on getting my clients outside their comfort zone. So I’m like, let’s make a list. What are your top three goals?
[00:53:09] And we know that from the beginning, but okay. How can we break these down? You know, if you want to. You know, launch your coaching program. It’s like, what are 10 things that you need to do to get outside of your comfort zone? And I give them like this little meter, like, you know, when you look on the back of like a hot sauce bottle and it says like, has like a little pepper it’s like, this is kind of spicy or this, this one is like super spicy.
[00:53:30] So we essentially create like a metered list of. You know, the first thing being, not so scary, but kind of scary. And then the last thing is like, I don’t know if I could ever do this and helping, not only helping them create that, but helping them, helping hold them accountable to actually doing that. Um, and sometimes their comfort zone stuff is just like not working as much, going back to the perfectionism.
[00:53:51] It’s like, I make them make a failure. Like let’s, you set yourself up for failure, knowing that you’re not going to accomplish this, so you can feel it, realize you’re not going to spontaneously combust and you’re going to be fine. Um, so we
[00:54:06] ClÃ©ment: worked for my entire life.
[00:54:09] Alexis: Yeah, exactly. Um, but then the, the third piece is just a breakthrough and that’s essentially where we’re taking everything.
[00:54:16] We haven’t identified everything we’re confronting and working through. And now let’s actually do what you’ve been trying to do for the past three years. But again, with a different perspective with, uh, you know, maybe some tools that you needed and a simple plan, not complex and convoluted that makes you end up procrastinating anyway, to essentially reach those goals.
[00:54:36] So that’s the main way that I’m, you know, helping people. I have a lot of plans for after my wedding. There’s some things that I can’t talk about just yet, but namely, you know, two months coaching program, my client list as well. I am still accepting applications to create essentially a waitlist after my wedding.
[00:54:50] Um, and then my 90 minute sessions are still the same idea, but it’s more of like, let’s identify, let’s create a comfort zone list. Let’s create a plan, but I’m not going to be able to hold you accountable. Like I would for a two month program, but you up. So now I’m, you, you have to jump off the cliff and build your own net on the way down versus me helping you build that.
[00:55:08] So those are like the main two things. Yep. Nice.